God presents everyone with challenges, some worse than others. My challenges are plentiful, but manageable. I have been struggling still with giving my challenges to God, giving my jealousy, anger, resentfulness to God, but its all been a struggle.
After I posted my last rant about how I needed to give everything to God and about what I was going through…I have felt a sense of calm. It may be because I have been trying to limit my exposure to things that upset me, but it also may be that God is taking those issues away from me and helping me deal with them one by one, as they come up.
My most recent issue I am having isn’t all me, its a family issue. But, while the family does contribute to our financial situation, I feel responsible because I came into my marriage with the most debt from school, etc and I feel like I let our spending go rampant and get out of control. Plus, I manage our finances and as much as I would love to have my husband do it, I feel like I need to be the one in control of them.
My neighbor gave me the idea to go to a cash system, and while I had been toying with it for years, I never really have done that since I have been married. Granted, our situation doesn’t allow us to actually pull out cash from our account and use that to purchase groceries, gas, etc., but I started trying to allow a certain dollar amount for each area: groceries, gas, dinner out, activities, and an extra category for things like diapers/baby items, etc. In June I started allowing $100 each category, but that was grossly (sp?) under estimated. This month I have just been keeping track on a piece of paper and will discuss the outcome with my husband in order to set up August’s budget.
Herein comes the issue: we have a huge amount of debt and while we are slowly whittling it away, and also getting rid of large chunks at a time, its still a huge chunk sitting out there…and I keep wanting things that I can’t have. Like right now, many of our neighbors are painting their houses. Every time I settle on a color I like (even though we won’t be able to afford it this year) someone chooses my color. I am getting nervous that when we are finally able to afford it, all the colors I like will have been taken. Plus, when companies come in and paint one house, they give pretty good deals to neighbors because they are already there. And, the economy is in such a crunch that people are pretty desperate to work, so we could get even better deals that may not be available next summer, or the summer after that. I get stuck in the thinking that what they are charging isn’t that much and that we could just borrow from money earmarked to pay off a credit card and it wouldn’t be a big deal.
I am trying to use “cash” for everything, ie no credit cards. And, we have been sucessful in not using credit cards since Coltin was born, aside from one time we had a large car repair bill that we didn’t have all the cash for. That’s what credit cards are for, emergencies, not wants. I want to paint my house, I don’t need to. But, we have a litter of pups right now that will yield enough (hopefully) to pay off one entire credit card, as long as we don’t have to use the money as it comes in, for bills.
And, I try to think of what I can do to generate extra income, aside from the two jobs I already work…but I don’t have much time to get another job, and I don’t have any creative skills, so crafting is out of the question. I thought about a garage sale, but I don’t seem to have enough things to sell. I would if my husband would let me get rid of a bunch of his stuff, but he’s a worse pack rat than I am. I even offered him the opportunity to sell his entertainment center & tv in order to make room for perhaps a flat screen when we can save up, but he said no because he wouldn’t have anywhere to put his electronic stuff and the TV wouldn’t come right away. Granted, we don’t even watch TV downstairs anymore. Oh, well.
So, one more thing I am giving to God: our finances. I pray that God will give me enough sense and willpower to only purchase things we need, not the things we want, and help us save up for the things we want. I ask that God helps my husband and I both be financially savvy and frugal, and work on living below our means.
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I have been one big ball of nerves, anger, and jealously lately. I know this is not how to act, but how do you not be all of those things? We have been told to not be angry, not be nervous, not be jealous, but honestly, how do we just not be those?
I started pondering this yesterday while at my second job. Yesterday was a trying day for me. I finally decided that I needed to give it away…just give it all to God. But, its easier said than done. Yes, I can say “take it away”, but it hasn’t gone away. I struggle with how to truely mean it. So, I am going to write it down.
I already said yesterday was a trying day for me, let me explain: First thing yesterday morning I logged into Facebook. Yes, I must say I think I might be addicted. Not like some people, but I like to log in every morning during the week and see what people I know are up to. They lead much more interesting lives than I do and I like to live through them, or imagine what it would be like doing what they do. Jealousy is my first thing I would like to give away, I think this might be where my jealousy starts.
So, there I was, checking out facebook and I see a comment on a status update of a friend, and the comment is from someone I used to be best friends with, but who will no longer talk to me, for whatever reason she concocted in her head. Turns out, she is pregnant with her first son and due in September. So, I told her congrats and that I have a son that will be 2 in September. Haven’t heard anything from her, wasn’t expecting to.
Anyways, I have a beautiful son, why am I jealous of her? I actually got angry that she is having a baby and it ruined my day. How can I be like that. I want to give that jealousy and anger to God.
Perhaps its because she married a person that has taken such great care of her…worked his rear off while she finished her masters degree and now she has decided to just stay home with the baby. So not only am I jealous of the baby, but I am jealous of her financial situation that allows her to stay home. Plus, her husband is probably whole heartedly excited about this baby and mine didn’t want children (loves Coltin, though) and doesn’t want any more.
Then, that brings me to faith. I am jealous of people who have such blind faith that they trust in the Lord with their whole hearts and even those who don’t. I am jealous that I can’t let things go and give things to God and that I don’t have a husband to go to church with. I should re-phrase that, he will go if I ask him, but he won’t actively participate, just go throug the motions. I don’t WANT him to go with me…and that is unchristianly of me. Severely unchristianly of me.
I saw a status update on Facebook again, that someone sang with her husband during worship in front of their congregation. I mean, I don’t have to have that kind of worship with my husband, I just want some sort of relationship with my husband and faith. So, when I hear of other couples and how they pray together, go to church together, worship together, teach their children together, it makes me angry and jealous that I don’t have that.
I also want to let go of my resentfulness. I am resentful of so much. I resent having to work two jobs to pay the bills. I resent having to pay for for the difference between the rent & the mortgage, which is more than our renter has to pay for her portion of the rent. I resent having to drive a vehicle that seems to need constant work rather than a nice, newer vehicle. I resent that we have to live paycheck to paycheck because I decided I needed a larger house when I was pregnant (that I thought I could fill with children) and then we couldn’t sell our other house. The list can go on, but its really dampening my spirit right now.
I think all of this has been weighing on me so much that it is physically and emotionally taking a toll. I have been so tired and full of other odd medical symptoms and I think it is a manisfestation of all my jealousy, anger, resentfulness and guilt over it all. I give it all to God…or at least I am trying.
