God presents everyone with challenges, some worse than others. My challenges are plentiful, but manageable. I have been struggling still with giving my challenges to God, giving my jealousy, anger, resentfulness to God, but its all been a struggle.
After I posted my last rant about how I needed to give everything to God and about what I was going through…I have felt a sense of calm. It may be because I have been trying to limit my exposure to things that upset me, but it also may be that God is taking those issues away from me and helping me deal with them one by one, as they come up.
My most recent issue I am having isn’t all me, its a family issue. But, while the family does contribute to our financial situation, I feel responsible because I came into my marriage with the most debt from school, etc and I feel like I let our spending go rampant and get out of control. Plus, I manage our finances and as much as I would love to have my husband do it, I feel like I need to be the one in control of them.
My neighbor gave me the idea to go to a cash system, and while I had been toying with it for years, I never really have done that since I have been married. Granted, our situation doesn’t allow us to actually pull out cash from our account and use that to purchase groceries, gas, etc., but I started trying to allow a certain dollar amount for each area: groceries, gas, dinner out, activities, and an extra category for things like diapers/baby items, etc. In June I started allowing $100 each category, but that was grossly (sp?) under estimated. This month I have just been keeping track on a piece of paper and will discuss the outcome with my husband in order to set up August’s budget.
Herein comes the issue: we have a huge amount of debt and while we are slowly whittling it away, and also getting rid of large chunks at a time, its still a huge chunk sitting out there…and I keep wanting things that I can’t have. Like right now, many of our neighbors are painting their houses. Every time I settle on a color I like (even though we won’t be able to afford it this year) someone chooses my color. I am getting nervous that when we are finally able to afford it, all the colors I like will have been taken. Plus, when companies come in and paint one house, they give pretty good deals to neighbors because they are already there. And, the economy is in such a crunch that people are pretty desperate to work, so we could get even better deals that may not be available next summer, or the summer after that. I get stuck in the thinking that what they are charging isn’t that much and that we could just borrow from money earmarked to pay off a credit card and it wouldn’t be a big deal.
I am trying to use “cash” for everything, ie no credit cards. And, we have been sucessful in not using credit cards since Coltin was born, aside from one time we had a large car repair bill that we didn’t have all the cash for. That’s what credit cards are for, emergencies, not wants. I want to paint my house, I don’t need to. But, we have a litter of pups right now that will yield enough (hopefully) to pay off one entire credit card, as long as we don’t have to use the money as it comes in, for bills.
And, I try to think of what I can do to generate extra income, aside from the two jobs I already work…but I don’t have much time to get another job, and I don’t have any creative skills, so crafting is out of the question. I thought about a garage sale, but I don’t seem to have enough things to sell. I would if my husband would let me get rid of a bunch of his stuff, but he’s a worse pack rat than I am. I even offered him the opportunity to sell his entertainment center & tv in order to make room for perhaps a flat screen when we can save up, but he said no because he wouldn’t have anywhere to put his electronic stuff and the TV wouldn’t come right away. Granted, we don’t even watch TV downstairs anymore. Oh, well.
So, one more thing I am giving to God: our finances. I pray that God will give me enough sense and willpower to only purchase things we need, not the things we want, and help us save up for the things we want. I ask that God helps my husband and I both be financially savvy and frugal, and work on living below our means.
Filed under: Uncategorized
I have been one big ball of nerves, anger, and jealously lately. I know this is not how to act, but how do you not be all of those things? We have been told to not be angry, not be nervous, not be jealous, but honestly, how do we just not be those?
I started pondering this yesterday while at my second job. Yesterday was a trying day for me. I finally decided that I needed to give it away…just give it all to God. But, its easier said than done. Yes, I can say “take it away”, but it hasn’t gone away. I struggle with how to truely mean it. So, I am going to write it down.
I already said yesterday was a trying day for me, let me explain: First thing yesterday morning I logged into Facebook. Yes, I must say I think I might be addicted. Not like some people, but I like to log in every morning during the week and see what people I know are up to. They lead much more interesting lives than I do and I like to live through them, or imagine what it would be like doing what they do. Jealousy is my first thing I would like to give away, I think this might be where my jealousy starts.
So, there I was, checking out facebook and I see a comment on a status update of a friend, and the comment is from someone I used to be best friends with, but who will no longer talk to me, for whatever reason she concocted in her head. Turns out, she is pregnant with her first son and due in September. So, I told her congrats and that I have a son that will be 2 in September. Haven’t heard anything from her, wasn’t expecting to.
Anyways, I have a beautiful son, why am I jealous of her? I actually got angry that she is having a baby and it ruined my day. How can I be like that. I want to give that jealousy and anger to God.
Perhaps its because she married a person that has taken such great care of her…worked his rear off while she finished her masters degree and now she has decided to just stay home with the baby. So not only am I jealous of the baby, but I am jealous of her financial situation that allows her to stay home. Plus, her husband is probably whole heartedly excited about this baby and mine didn’t want children (loves Coltin, though) and doesn’t want any more.
Then, that brings me to faith. I am jealous of people who have such blind faith that they trust in the Lord with their whole hearts and even those who don’t. I am jealous that I can’t let things go and give things to God and that I don’t have a husband to go to church with. I should re-phrase that, he will go if I ask him, but he won’t actively participate, just go throug the motions. I don’t WANT him to go with me…and that is unchristianly of me. Severely unchristianly of me.
I saw a status update on Facebook again, that someone sang with her husband during worship in front of their congregation. I mean, I don’t have to have that kind of worship with my husband, I just want some sort of relationship with my husband and faith. So, when I hear of other couples and how they pray together, go to church together, worship together, teach their children together, it makes me angry and jealous that I don’t have that.
I also want to let go of my resentfulness. I am resentful of so much. I resent having to work two jobs to pay the bills. I resent having to pay for for the difference between the rent & the mortgage, which is more than our renter has to pay for her portion of the rent. I resent having to drive a vehicle that seems to need constant work rather than a nice, newer vehicle. I resent that we have to live paycheck to paycheck because I decided I needed a larger house when I was pregnant (that I thought I could fill with children) and then we couldn’t sell our other house. The list can go on, but its really dampening my spirit right now.
I think all of this has been weighing on me so much that it is physically and emotionally taking a toll. I have been so tired and full of other odd medical symptoms and I think it is a manisfestation of all my jealousy, anger, resentfulness and guilt over it all. I give it all to God…or at least I am trying.
Filed under: Uncategorized
We visited the Tulip festival this year. Coltin was less than amused with the flowers and more focused on the many motorcycles, the dogs, tractors and buses. I guess he is 100% boy. Flowers, schmowers.
Filed under: Uncategorized
So, I am thinking I am super-wife, and trying to suprise my husband with a birthday gift he’s been wanting, all the while doing it behind his back as a HUGE suprise. So, I’ve been on craigslist looking for this item he wants and I found one right in Lake Stevens and the guy is willing to deliver it, plus its really inexpensive…so I am super excited.
I emailed the guy selling it and we have been talking back and forth and I am getting ready to set up an appointment to see it…when he asks, “Are you okay with seeing an ex-bf?”
Instantly my mind starts racing and heart starts pounding and I an thinking…who in the world is this guy? Then, I put the email address together and I figure it out. He asked me if I used to be Shannon Bishop and then I knew. Keith flipping Cardwell…go figure. The one person I have been desperately trying to avoid for years, and now he knows my name, my email…he’s found me. I can’t believe it. Of all the people around, he’s the one selling the item I want.
So, what do I do? Do I suck it up and go look at the item and let him deliver it to my house and deal with it. After all, he’s engaged, has a son and I am married and also have a son. But, the guy still gets to me. We have so much history. Is it worth it?
Filed under: Baby Info (diapers, Boeing strike, Nielsen Updates
Now, think of my title being said with a grimace on your face and in a slightly harsh tone. Think of it from your mother in law?
So, we had our tax appointment yesterday and I have been super exicted until just before the appointment and then I worked myself up thinking I forgot something (I did, but it was okay) and I started feeling sick. I couldn’t get warm, but was burning up and felt nauseated. My CPA had a Vanilla Cupcake candle burning in her office and it made me feel even worse. Then, when we went to pick up Coltin, my MIL was making hot dogs for dinner and I nearly threw up everywhere. I went home and felt even more miserable with the shivers and no appetite for dinner. I even went to bed early (and missed Biggest Loser!) I got up today and felt better, but not great.
I take Coltin to my MIL’s at around 4-415 in the morning. I got there and apologized for rushing out of her house yesterday and she had the audacity to say to me, “You’re not pregnant are you?”
First, that is something my mother would say. I hate that. Worse is that I hate the tone used and the verbiage. Why not just ask if I am pregnant? Why give it such a negative connotation?
So, now I know that when or if we do decide to have more children (and I pray we do), I will probably need to find a daycare for both Coltin and a new baby because it wouldnt’ be fair to leave Coltin at my MIL & the new baby in a daycare by itself.
This experience this morning really frustrated me and has harped in my mind all day long. Ryan even insisted that I was saying that his family hates me. While I never said that, I did let him know how upsetting it is to be asked that question in that specific way.
But, we are getting bank back from our taxes. Too bad its already being figured to pay bills unless Ryan is laid off (we find out Friday when they start handing out Warn notices at Boeing)
Filed under: For the Love of Christ
I often find it cliche to ask for prayers, but I am in dire need of some serious praying for. I am praying that God helps me find the answers I am in search of and praying that He helps me make some serious decisions.
So, at risk of sound cliche, please pray for me: Pray that I get the answers I am in need of, I mean really obvious answers. I can’t have the kind of answers that may be a hint as to what decision I am supposed to make, I need concrete, in your face answers that I cannot argue with. I am talking NEON flashing signs pointing me in the right direction.
I thought I knew what I wanted, what I needed, but my decision is HUGE and will drastically impact myself and my family and I want to make the right decision. I don’t want to mess up and choose the wrong option, the wrong path and dig myself into a huge mess.
And, pray that I stop feeling so queasy about this decision I have to make.
Thanks and God Bless!
Filed under: Uncategorized
A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art. They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art.
When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier. The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son.
About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands.
He said, ‘Sir, you don’t know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art.’ The young man held out this package. ‘I know this isn’t much. I’m not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this.’
The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture. ‘Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It’s a gift.’
The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.
The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection.
On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his gavel. ‘We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?’
There was silence.
Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, ‘We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one.’
But the auctioneer persisted. ‘Will somebody bid for this painting? Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?’
Another voice angrily. ‘We didn’t come to see this painting. We came to see the Van Gogh’s, the Rembrandts. Get on with the
real bids!’
But still the auctioneer continued. ‘The son! The son! Who’ll take the son?’
Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. ‘I’ll give $10 for the painting..’ Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.
‘We have $10, who will bid $20?’
‘Give it to him for $10. Let’s see the masters.’
The crowd was becoming angry.. They didn’t want the picture of the son.
They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections.
The auctioneer pounded the gavel. ‘Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!’
A man sitting on the second row shouted, ‘Now let’s get on with the collection!’
The auctioneer laid down his gavel. ‘I’m sorry, the auction is over.’
‘What about the paintings?’
‘I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings.
The man who took the son gets everything!’
God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on the cross. Much like the auctioneer, His message today is: ‘The son, the son, who’ll take the son?
Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything.
FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD HE GAVE HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON, WHO SO EVER BELIEVETH, SHALL HAVE ETERNAL LIFE…THAT’S LOVE
God Bless.
Filed under: Nielsen Updates
I figured I would update the world with my plight.
It snowed. A lot. We have about 18 inches still on the ground, but I pray it goes away soon. Well, not so soon as to induce flash flooding, but enough that no one cancels Christmas. Not that I care if they do so, just that I have one day reserved to run around to 3 places (we have 4 to go to, but one isn’t in the plans) to celebrate the holiday with family.
And people wonder why I am not a fan of the holiday. Its too busy for me. One day, I am going to sleep in, have some hot cocoa while casually watching presents being opened. But not a bunch of presents, just maybe one present. I hate how overly commercialized Christmas is. I vow to not buy Coltin too many gifts. One pair of new Christmas PJs to open on Christmas Eve and maybe one present to open Christmas day. This year, did I get him anything? No. A 15 month old will not remember not getting anything from his parents on Christmas. And, if he questions us one day, I will tell him the truth…he is a spoiled brat! lol.
I have also been fighting what I thought was going to be bronchitis. I think that feeling has passed, but my nose is still a faucet and my chest still aches from coughing. Plus, my jaw is out, so it hurts to open it much. Instant diet…
And, I know, whine whine whine, but my back has been out. I went in for an emergency massage a couple Saturdays ago because I could hardly walk and now have had three chiropractic sessions and am feeling much better, thank you. Still not able to sleep well, still hurts for the most part, but I can walk.
And, that’s about enough whining because I get my hair done…um…leaving now.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all…you know.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Michelle Duggar and Jim Bob Duggar welcomed their 18th child to the world yesterday in Rogers, Arkansas. A C-section was involved.
The 18th Duggar child is a girl they named Jordyn-Grace Makiya . Most already know, but their other kids’ names all begin with J and range from 17 months to 20 years old. Their names are: John-David, Jana, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jeremiah, Jedidiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer, Joshua and now Jordyn.
Filed under: Nielsen Updates
My little Husky. Bummer they had such a terrible season. Maybe next year.
Coltin for Halloween
I am blessed with this perfect smile every day…from morning until night!
